Counseling and EMDR Therapy
with Athena
COMPASSION FOCUSED THERAPY
Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of resilience and healing we have available to us, improving and sustaining our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
"Self-compassion has an image problem… Instagram photos of bubble baths or frothy coffees. Many of us can be deeply skeptical of self-compassion, but if we look at the science behind it, psychological research shows the significant benefits for our mental and physical health and help us to thrive."
Su Yin Yap, PhD
COMPASSION FOCUSED THERAPY
Three Emotional Systems
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Research reveals that most psychological and emotional health issues are related to an overuse of the Threat and Drive systems and an underdeveloped Soothing System
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Many medical problems are also related to chronic stress (over-activated Threat and Drive systems).
Based on the latest neuroscience, Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) provide action-oriented practices and skills to build the Soothing System through neuroplasticity (brain development), and bring all three systems into balance, to resolve stress, anxiety, irritability, shame, depression and associated health conditions.
"Unfortunately, for many people, the Soothing System is often both hugely misunderstood and underutilized, or it is completely blocked."
Andreas Comninos, PhD
THREAT-DRIVE LOOP VIA SELF-CRITICISM
Threat, Drive and Soothing System
Without the ability to access our Soothing System, the Threat and Drive systems make us:
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Hold onto the pain and shame of the past
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Get triggered by anxieties about the future
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Harsh inner criticism in the present (our brain interprets inner criticism the same way it does an external threat - triggering Threat System)
Nowadays, we tend to get stuck in a 'ping pong' between Threat and Drive systems. We use Drive to escape Threat-like feelings of anxiety, guilt and self-berating.
SOOTHING SYSTEM BREAKS THE CYCLE AND ALLOWS FOR CALM
There is no peace with the Threat and Drive systems unless their use is balanced with the Soothing System, as it:
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Allows nervous system to calm
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Feelings of connection, safety and joy
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Clearer thinking and value-aligned choices
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Increases serotonin, oxytocin and other 'feel good' endorphins
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Deactivates Autonomic Nervous System, lowering cortisol and other stress chemicals
SELF-CRITICISM WITHOUT SELF-COMPASSION = CHRONIC STRESS
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Self-Criticism gives a quick energy boost of anxiety to get to work, pay bills, not get in trouble, and do enough to get by.
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Long term it elevates stress chemicals that wear on us, increasing anxiety, exhaustion, depression and chronic stress conditions such as inflammation, disease, reduced immune function, chronic fatigue, digestive issues, high blood pressure, etc
"Our ‘tricky’ brains can produce dozens of unwanted thoughts... we can hold onto the pain of the past, we can get triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, and we can attack present unwanted emotions with our Inner Critics."
Andreas Comninos, PhD
SELF-COMPASSION IS BALANCE
Without a foundation of self-awareness and Self-Leadership with Self-Compassion we tend to get stuck in Self-Permissive or Self-Critical patterns and swing from one extreme to the other subconsciously.
SELF-COMPASSION IS BOTH A MINDSET AND ACTION-ORIENTED PRACTICES
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If all we know is Self-Criticism you can see how the pendulum swings back and forth.
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With Mindful Self-Compassion we learn to process our emotions with Emotional Health Skills and gain Self-Leadership over our Inner Critic to lead and leverage Inner Critic's quick bursts of anxiety to get sh*t done, while calming it so it doesn't turn into a chronic stress, Self-Permissive states or shut-down.
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Self-Compassion also helps us tap self-motivation and the fueling Drive System with value-aligned choices and goals
"When we practice self-compassion, we are actually moving our sense of safety from the Threat System to our own care-giving Soothing System. This awakens our own ability to ‘self-soothe’ which triggers the release of opiates and oxytocin, which generates feelings of safety and peace."
Andreas Comninos, PhD
UNDERDEVELOPED SOOTHING SYSTEM
What Causes an Unbalanced System?
1. UNDEVELOPED SOOTHING SYSTEM
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Nowadays, we tend to spend the majority of our time in Threat and Drive.
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Many of us have been in this chronic stress state since childhood, leaving our Soothing System severely underdeveloped.
2. INNER CRITIC CONTROL
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Self-criticism is both the cause and result of an underdeveloped Soothing System.
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Inner Critic activates the Threat System, creating an excess of cortisol and stress hormones, anxiety, hostility, distrust, disconnection shame and we tend to react to these feelings with Drive System maladaptive protective/coping strategies.
3. LACK OF EMOTIONAL SKILLS
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Most of us were taught to shame (inner-criticize) or avoid painful emotions at all costs.
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Instead of learning how to understand and process our emotions, we learn maladaptive protective strategies to 'over-protect' or depress inner pain, resulting in a slew of maladaptive fight-flight-fawn-freeze reactions that cause havoc on our health and lives.
4. LACK OF SELF-COMPASSION
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Self-kindness and Self-compassion allow access to the Soothing System.
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However, due to negative memories, we can learn to associate kindness, closeness, and love with threat – not safeness.
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Thus, the mere act of self-kindness, or standing up to Inner Critic, can trigger a Threat System response!
5. ADVERSE EXPERIENCES
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The more stress or 'adverse experiences' we go through in childhood and adulthood, such as failures, heartbreak, abuse, sickness, loss, confusion, bullying, hyper-critical parenting, childhood emotional neglect (very common).
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The more we had to 'adapt' with fight-flight-freeze-fawn behaviors.
Nowadays we have more adverse experiences and chronic stress (threat and drive loop) related to imposter syndrome, incessantly comparing ourselves or our relationships with others, feeling low or fluctuating self-worth, 'not good enough' or like an outsider because no longer live in villages and small communities where we automatically have worth and intrinsically feel known and valued (self-worth).
Today, we need to intentionally create and work towards our own sense of value and purpose. A purpose that is also aligned with our own unique values, so we can feel genuine, sustainable self-worth.
"Self-compassion is more than just a nice idea, its basis is the neurobiology of mammalian care-giving system [Soothing System] that increases the hormone and neurotransmitter oxytocin that allows for feelings of trust, calm, safety and connectedness, and facilitates the ability to feel warmth and compassion for ourselves."
Su Yin Yap, PhD
10 BENEFITS OF BALANCED SYSTEMS
1. CALM, PRESENCE, CONNECTION
Self-Compassion builds the Soothing System to break the cycle and allow for more calm, presence, fulfilling connection with ourselves and others, plus oxytocin and other 'feel good' hormones.
2. NEUROPLASTICITY
The main mechanism behind self-compassion practices provide transformative neuroplasticity to build the Soothing System areas of the brain.
3. NAVIGATE DISTURBING THOUGHTS
Navigate and resolve difficult thoughts, painful memories, fears, what if's, anxiety-based imagery, looping thoughts, and self-criticism.
4. PROCESS PAINFUL EMOTIONS
With a stronger Soothing System, we can access Self-Compassion to process painful and overwhelming emotions, including self-berating, anxiety, depression and loneliness.
5. BOOST SELF-WORTH AND CONFIDENCE
Studies prove when we show ourselves we are worthy of kindness and care with action-oriented, self-care methods, we begin believing we are worthy of love, boosting our overall sense of self-worth and confidence.
6. BREAKTHROUGH DISORDERS AND ACCOMPLISH GOALS
Hundreds of studies reveal when you’re caught up with self-criticism or self-neglect you’re more apt to fail, get taken advantage of, abused, have increased patterns of addiction, depression, mood disorders, procrastination and other forms of maladaptive behaviors.
7. FULFILLING, SECURE RELATIONSHIPS AND CONNECTION
In order to feel connection (feeling seen, heard and valued) and the oxytocin and opiates that create the feelings of bonding and safety, we need to be present and connected to our innermost needs and wants by processing our own emotions.
"We can't just choose to be happy, but we can choose to be kind ourselves when we're sad. Pain passes more quickly when we don't berate ourselves for feeling."
Lori Deschene
8. COMPLEX-PTSD and PTSD RECOVERY
Self-Compassion heals childhood and developmental trauma. Research also shows that veterans who practice daily Self-Compassion have exceptionally higher rates of recovery, for PTSD and substance use disorders. https://self-compassion.org/the-research/
9. FEEL MORE HAPPINESS
Having a compassionate mindset and practicing Self-Compassion methods activate the pleasure centers in our brain, increasing 'feel good' neurochemicals and hormones like serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin.
10. BE MORE ATTRACTIVE
A kind, self-compassionate heart radiates attractive qualities. Self-Compassion also allows for a calmer nervous system that creates a trusted, positive 'vibe.' https://self-compassion.org/the-research
11. MAKE US HEALTHIER
Self-compassion yields a number of benefits, including reduced inflammatory response, increase immune function, greater heart rate variability, regulation of emotions, healthier eating behaviors and more. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5779931
12. REWIRE OLD PROGRAMMING
We learn to be self-permissive or self-berating by internalizing how we were treated growing-up. Self-Compassion gives us the power to parent, guide and protect ourselves the way we truly need to feel good, create loving relationships, accomplish goals, and thrive.
"Lack of self-forgiveness causes almost all of our self-sabotaging behavior."
Mark Victor Hansen
MORE ABOUT THE THREE SYSTEMS
THREAT SYSTEM
Keeps us alive, by scanning for and identifying threats. Fine-tuned over thousands of years of generations. Anxiety, panic and depressive disorders are examples of an over-engaged Threat System. PTSD is also a version of an overactive Threat System.
SURVIVAL
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Focused on survival, it interferes with our capacity to relax, connect with others, listen, sleep, feel joy, love, trust, heal, rest and digest.
REACTIVITY
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Threat-based emotions (fear, anger, disgust, etc.), do not know the difference between a perceived or real threat.
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Without awareness and access to our Soothing System, we react to triggers, assumptions, real or perceived threats within 100 milliseconds!
RUMINATING THOUGHTS
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Our ability to recall the past and regrets, while also imagine the future, create what-if's, keeps Threat System on-guard, ruminating and over-thing, even in the absence of a real threat.
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We feel and ruminate over the sting of negative memories, like being reprimanded much more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise.
"If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation."
Kristin Neff, PhD
DRIVE SYSTEM
Powerfully motivating, it focuses our attention on pursuits. However, it can push us towards behaviors that cause harm to ourselves or others – leading to stress, perfectionism, burnout, depression.
MOTIVATES
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Motivates towards our needs (food, water, connection, shelter, and comfort) and wants (achievement, success, money, status, social rank, etc.)
REWARD DRIVEN
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Influenced by dopamine, the ‘reward chemical’ (short-bursts of pleasure).
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Urges us to 'get more,' eat more, achieve more, crave more, etc.
ADHD, PERFECTIONISM, OCD
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Typically fueled by an over-achieving Inner Critic
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Urges us to keep doing, working, achieving, cleaning, etc.
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Undisciplined, without Self-Leadership and Self-Compassion leads to perfectionism, obsessive behaviors, perfectionism, and other behaviors
ADDICTIONS
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Can lead to substance addictions, over-eating, over-spending, chasing and ruminating in unrequited love (love addiction) and other types of process addictions, including extreme behaviors such as cheating, lying, stealing.
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These maladaptive protective behaviors can be conscious or unconscious ways to flee painful emotions and feelings.
"Self Compassion is the process of reparenting ourselves by meeting our own needs and seeing ourselves as worthy."
Anna Papatheodorou, AMFT
SOOTHING SYSTEM
The Soothing System operates naturally when there are no threats to defend against. Nowadays, however, even when we are safe in the moment, we have berating Inner Critics.
SUSTAINABLE
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Unlike the Threat and Drive Systems that can over-activate us, the Soothing System is a more sustainable fuel source of balanced self-discipline, self-protection and self-care.
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Sustainable self-worth is associated with living aligned with personal values and accomplishments, long-term goal attainment, action-oriented and consistent self-care and peaceful states – feeling safe, calm, and content.
OXYTOCIN, SEROTONIN, ENDORPHINS
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Taps into neurochemicals oxytocin, endorphins, and other opiates.
CONNECTION, CARE AND SELF-WORTH
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Allows us to truly connect with ourselves and others, giving/receiving, care, acceptance, kindness, encouragement, support and feelings of belonging, purpose and worthiness (self-worth).
SELF-LOVE AND HEALING
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Action-oriented self-care, self-compassion and processing emotions mindfully
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Balances parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems for calm
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Detoxes and deactivates stress chemicals involved in Threat and Drive Systems.
"When we give ourselves unconditional love, we discover the conditions under which we were unloved."
Kristen Neff, PhD
BACKDRAFT EMOTIONS
Old Repressed Pain that Arises
It takes courage to change how you treat yourself. Why? When you start practicing self-compassion, you come head-to-head with backdraft.
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It can be unsettling when you expect to feel better, only to feel suffering at first.
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However, backdraft is a sign that healing has begun. Backdraft refers to pain – old, repressed pain – that arises when you give yourself kindness and compassion.
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Backdraft is a firefighter term to describe what happens when a door is opened, flames rush-out as fresh oxygen rushes in.
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Similarly, we experience fiery, overwhelming pain, as we open the door of our hearts to the fresh air of self-compassion.
BACKDRAFT EMOTIONS VIDEOS
"Mindful Self-Compassion is about learning to be awake. Being awake is about recognizing that you are not your inner volatile stream of thoughts, emotions and sensation. Like clouds passing through the sky, these things come and go. But they are not you."
Aletheia Luna
SELF-COMPASSION VIDEOS
"Self-compassion is not about giving yourself anything you want because you feel bad. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism."
Su Yin Yap, PhD
HEALING SHAME VIDEOS
"The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them."
Kristen Neff, PhD
WORKSHEETS AND PRACTICES
DAILY PRACTICES
GUIDED MEDITATION OPTIONS
EFFECTIVENESS IS BASED ON A DAILY SELF-COMPASSION MEDITATION
DAILY SIMPLE COMFORTS
OXYTOCIN BOOSTERS
ACTION-ORIENTED SELF-CARE
ONE TIME (OR AS NEEDED) PRACTICES
FEELING ACCOMPLISHMENTS
SELF COMPASSION LETTERS
REALIZE YOUR VALUES
RELATING TO YOURSELF
"I don’t work hard to be fit. I work soft. I walk through the forest, I dance in my kitchen most unlike a ballerina. I swim in the ocean. I practice yoga and meditation. I run, I jump, I climb. I sing. What a miracle it is to be embodied. The story still creeps in, tries to lie to me. I breathe. I choose."
Tara MacLean
ADDITIONAL WORK TO BUILD SOOTHING SYSTEM AND SELF-LEADERSHIP WITH SELF-COMPASSION
INNER CRITIC WORK
SELF-WORTH AND CONNECTION
EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS
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