Counseling and EMDR Therapy
with Athena
SELF-WORTH AND CONNECTION
Without enough connection, including a sense of belonging and purpose, we experience painful symptoms like anxiety, loneliness, shame, depression and self-criticism.
CONNECTION NEEDS
Social Connection Needs are Multi-Faceted
Social connection needs have more to do with our perception, "sense" and "feeling" than facts. Therefore, only you really know if you are getting your social needs met.
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Without fulfilled connection needs we experience symptoms.
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Even though social needs require others, they are 100% our own responsibility to be aware of and plan to take action for
Sense of Self-Worth and Purpose
Our sense of worthiness (self-worth) ties into how "worthy" we feel within our family, friend group, career, community or society at large. Self-worth cannot just come from our own self-concept.
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Nowadays we have chronic stress, berating inner critic, and feeling 'not good enough' or like an outsider because no longer live in villages and small communities where we automatically have worth and intrinsically feel known and valued (self-worth).
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Today, we need to intentionally create and work towards our own sense of value and purpose. A purpose that is also aligned with our own unique values, so we can feel genuine, sustainable self-worth.
"Self-esteem is positively associated with belongingness. Research shows actual belongingness creates self-esteem; those who are accepted by others experience enhanced self-esteem, whereas those who feel rejected experience reduced self-esteem."
Jessica Cameron, PhD
FULFILLING CONNECTION
Allows for Calm Nervous System and Overall Well-Being
Connection Needs have more to do with 'sense' and 'feeling' than actual facts. You could be surrounded by 100 people but feel zero connection (in fact that can cause more anxiety than connection, referred to as 'social anxiety'). Whereas, enjoying time in nature by yourself can make you feel a true fulfilling Sense of Belonging.
​When we are conscious of our connection needs, we are more able to make choices aligned with fulfilling these needs, both short-term (like asking for a hug) and long-term (sense of purpose).
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Similar to nutrition and vitamin needs, we have many Social Connection Needs.
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Without food, we get hunger pains. With vitamin deficiencies we have symptoms.
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Without fulfilling connection needs we experience 'hunger pains' and symptoms like emptiness, shame, anxiety, AD(H)D, inner criticism, low self-worth, insecurities, irritability, depression and the multitude of maladaptive stress-reactions and coping behaviors we do in attempt avoid feeling these painful feelings and thoughts, like self-medicating, blaming others, etc.
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When Connection Needs are being met on a consistent basis (much like adequate nutrition) our nervous system remains more consistently calm, providing mental, emotional, relational and physical health benefits and well-being.
"If you do not have a 'tribe' of your own, take the time to seek one out or create one. Doing so requires effort and initiative but the return on investment will be worth it as it can give a significant boost to your quality of life and your overall health."
Guy Winch, PhD
LACK OF CONNECTION RESULTS IN STRESS
Our nervous system and neurochemicals, especially oxytocin and serotonin levels, are impacted if we are lacking connection. When our "connection bucket" is low, it activates our nervous system like a survival threat, triggering fight-or-flight hormones and emotions like anxiety, panic, shame and loneliness.
NERVOUS SYSTEM ILLUSTRATION
A false belief that wrecks havoc on our self-worth and confidence is the idea that we can somehow control how others view us. In truth, no matter how good-looking, nice, put-together, or smart we are, how others view us is 100% in their realm of perception and control.
WE NEED TO FEEL VALUED FOR SELF-WORTH
0% Power Over How Others See Us
100% Power Over How We Want to Be Seen
There is a common false belief that we shouldn't care about how others view us! That we should just get all of our self-worth, self-esteem and confidence from ourselves. Not only is this irrational and impossible, but it is also counterproductive and results in more shame and feelings of unworthiness.
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NO MORE GRAPPLING TO NOT CARE
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Grappling to 'not care' about what others think, while trying to inflate your own sense of worthiness, while attempting to avoid the symptoms of disconnection, such as loneliness, inner-criticism, anxiety and insecurities, is a downward spiral into more symptoms, chronic stress, depression, anxious/avoidant attachment and narcissistic/codependent patterns.
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NO MORE TRYING TO CONTROL
Although it matters how others view us, we cannot control how others view us, nor what they value in us. Not even our family, partner, or best friends.
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This can be a painful realization at first, yet once understood it is freeing
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It also frees you from trying to control how others see you (an impossible task) and empowers you to focus on and create how you WANT to be seen and valued.
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With this realization you can mindfully resolve:
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Codependent thinking, people-pleasing and selflessness (boundaryless), over-achieving, perfectionism, resentment and self-resentment, Dreaded Drama/Trauma Triangle and other maladaptive patterns
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NO MORE SEEING OTHERS' PERCEPTIONS OF YOU AS TRUTH
Others will perceive you based on their own perception lens.
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They may say things like "You are mean" or "You keep disappointing me."
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Their words give you their opinion of you, but they are not the truth about you.
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Instead of JADE-ing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining) against others' opinions of you, simply take their words at face value and communicate your Unarguable Truth.
FOCUSING ON CARING AND BEING HOW YOU WANT TO BE SEEN
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Keep your focus on how you WANT to be seen and what you want to be valued for, both short term (in the moment) and long term in life overall.
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This is where you are 100% empowered to ensure you are on track to fulfill your sense of purpose, worthiness and self-worth.
"Belonging to a group is an important aspect of our identity and sense of self. In fact, it can actually help buffer us when we feel wronged or attacked. Studies show those with a stronger sense of group identity are impacted less severely and recover more quickly when they experience bias or bigotry.""
Guy Winch, PhD
BELONGING IMPACTS SELF-WORTH AND HAPPINESS
As social animals, we have a "need to belong" and feel 'worthy' among our village.
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Although subconscious, our connection needs reside deep within us.
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After all, in our historical past, we lived in villages with approximately 100 members who we spent our entire lives with. Where we'd have a place, a role and sense or purpose. Imagine being the town's carpenter or school teacher and feeling known and valued for that expertise.
Today, our "village" is often our immediate family and friends.
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However, even if our family is loving and highly functional, we start school at the young age of 5, with strangers.
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We continue to grow up into a world with millions and a watered-down sense of value and worthiness.
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Add in emotional neglect, dysfunctional or abusive families, heartbreak, divorce and other types of disconnect, our "need to belong" often goes partially or substantially unmet, leading to real and significant implications for our emotional, mental and physical health.
It is more important than ever to understand and ensure you are living your life aligned with:
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How you want to be seen by others, especially those closest to you
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What you want to be valued for (family, friends, career, daily behavioral choices and long-term goals)
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Whom you want to connect with and surround yourself with, and how capable they are of seeing, hearing and valuing you in the way you truly want to be
"Connection is why we’re here. It is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The power that connection holds in our lives can emerge as the fear of disconnection. The fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, something about who we are or where we come from, has made us unlovable and unworthy of connection."
Brene Brown, PhD
FEAR OF ABANDONMENT AND ENMESHMENT
"The fear of abandonment is simply the fear of loneliness and the fear of being left - or kicked out of the tribe. Fear of engulfment, on the other hand, is essentially the fear of losing your own sense of self."
Jessica Baum, LPC
8 EXAMPLES OF CONNECTION NEEDS
1. SENSE OF BELONGING
We need to belong to something greater than ourselves, a group, family, friends, co-workers, religion, belief system, community, interest group, advocacy, traditions, celebrations, or something else.
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2. SENSE OF PURPOSE AND VALUES
Know your values and live in alignment with your values. Explore and cultivate your interests. Have meaning in what you do or plan to do, that contributes to your group, family, or the greater good.
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3. SENSE OF INSPIRATION
Explore, learn from others work or find ways to be inspired. Transcend ordinary experiences and limitations. Discover new interests and mentors. Sight-see, Pinterest, view vlogs, appreciate art, music, creativity or new ideas. Learn about someone or something new.
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4. SENSE OF FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE
We need a balance of closeness and freedom with clearly communicated boundaries and 'me time.' In family, we need belonging and a unique Sense of Self. In relationship we need interdependence, balance of partnership and Self (our own wants, needs and limits).​
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5. SENSE OF GRATITUDE AND RECEIVING
Receiving help, gifts, compliments, etc. is essential so others can love you and this allows for a Sense of Belonging. Daily gratitude journaling and saying thank you also boosts your sense of gratitude. Ensure you ask for what you want and need.
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6. FEELING RESPECT AND APPRECIATION
Words of appreciation feel like love and respect. It strengthens our bonds and fills our hearts. It helps satisfy our longing for connection. If we are in a relationship, this is especially important. Respect provides security and worthiness. Respect is honest and forthright. Others may be nice to you, but do they feel safe being honest with you? Feel respectable by appreciating others' perspectives.
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7. FEELING SEEN, HEARD AND VALUED
We feel seen, heard and valued when loved ones say, "I hear you" without defending, correcting or judging. Words of appreciation also make us feel seen and valued. Along with valuing time together without saying a word. Feeling valued leads to trust. Trust is essential, especially in relationship. We boost this by communicating our wants, needs and limits. We feel heard and valued when we work together to try to meet our genuine wants, needs and limits.
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8. SENSE OF SECURITY
Safety is part of feeling security. We need a partner, friends, and/or loved ones that we know we can count on to stick with us through the ups and downs of life. We also feel trust and security by sharing imperfect aspects of ourselves and our experiences with trusted loved-ones and vice versa, while we honor these imperfections.
"Shame [self-berating and feelings of worthlessness] thrives when we feel most alone – cut off, separate, and different from those closest to us. Shame happens in the gaps between people; when separation is removed or lessened, the feeling loses its power over us."
Brene Brown, PhD
WORKSHEETS AND PRACTICES
CONNECTION NEEDS
YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
OXYTOCIN BOOSTERS
REALIZE YOUR VALUES
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