Counseling and EMDR Therapy
with Athena
BALANCED BOUNDARIES SKILLS
Physical boundaries are clear: fences, yards, etc. Non-physical boundaries are not as clear, yet imperative for a healthy relationship with yourself and others.
"We can't really love until we have boundaries - otherwise we love out of compliance or guilt. And we can't really be productive at work without boundaries - otherwise we're so busy following others' agendas that we're double-minded and unstable."
Henry Cloud, PhD
FIVE PILLARS OF BOUNDARIES
Boundaries keep us safe while also allowing for respect, connection and more. Boundaries are complex and multi-dimensional. Our boundaries may change in each moment depending on how and what you're feeling, where you are and who you are with.
Important Note: Boundaries are about self-awareness, intention and your choices. Boundaries are sometimes but RARELY something you communicate. If you do communicate a boundary, make sure you are stating it clearly.
1 YOUR NEEDS AND NON-NEGOTIABLES
-
Your essentials and non-negotiables.
-
Includes what you need from yourself and others, both long-term and in each moment.
2 YOUR WANTS AND DESIRES
-
What do you want in your career, friendships, relationship, etc.?
-
It's your job to know what you want so you can ask for it.
-
Stating your wants and desires gives others the opportunity to give to you, respect you and care for you.
3 YOUR LIMITS AND CONSEQUENCES
-
Your limits and consequences (if limits are violated) keeps you safe.
-
It's self-respecting and respectful to others so they are clear on your limits.
-
For example, "If you yell at me, I will leave the room."
4 SHARING YOURSELF
-
How you choose to share your time, words, opinions/beliefs, aspects of yourself, physical intimacy, etc. are examples of boundaries.
-
How much you share depends on person, time and place.
-
For example, we wouldn't share our authentic feelings with a friend who has continued to be defensive or critical towards our feelings in the past.
5 CLEAR COMMUNICATION AND AGREEMENTS
-
When you take the time to truly understand your own needs, wants and limits you can communicate clearly and work with others to establish clear expectations and agreements.
-
Unarguable Truth is a good communication tool for this, among others within the Communication page.
"Boundaries work both ways: they create healthy relationships and are created by healthy relationships."
Mark Manson
BENEFITS OF BOUNDARIES
Without conscious boundaries, we inevitably experience anxiety, relationship distress, insecurities, resentment, selflessness or selfishness, lack of purpose, people-pleasing, emptiness, low confidence, enmeshment and more.
"Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices... boundaries define your soul and they help you to guard it and maintain it."
Henry Cloud, PhD
BALANCED BOUNDARIES
Maintaining balanced boundaries requires self-awareness and emotional health skills to ensure we are not falling towards avoidant or complaint boundaries.
"Many people do not take ownership for how they resist LOVE. They have a lot of love around them but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness."
Henry Cloud, PhD
IMPACT ON OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM AND HEALTH
When we are conscious of our genuine needs and limits (boundaries) and making action-oriented choices aligned with them, we are able to provide ourselves with genuine safety and healthy connection (that can truly feel). When this occurs, our nervous system CALMS, providing emotional, relational, neurochemical and physical health benefits.
CONSCIOUS, BALANCED BOUNDARIES ALLOW FOR
-
Access to the present moment, calm, self-connection and connection with others
-
Increased oxytocin, serotonin and other 'feel good' neurochemicals and hormones
-
Decreased stress chemicals and decreased risk of chronic stress conditions and diseases
-
Ability to feel joy, happiness, gratitude, compassion, self-compassion, curiosity and more
-
Capacity to relax, feel good, recuperate, rest, heal; improved immunity and digestion
"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."
Prentis Hemphill
4 MAIN BOUNDARY PROBLEMS
-
Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs inflow and outflow.
-
If we have boundary problems we are left feeling unloved and resentful. We won't feel the joy of caring or feeling cared for, robbing us from genuine connection (feeling valued and cared for).
-
Complex boundary problems and codependency can occur with different types, for example a Compliant with a Controller type.
"Boundaries give others a manual on how you expect to be treated and what you'll allow. Without boundaries, people won’t know how to act around you, and you'll be left feeling disrespected."
Henry Cloud, PhD
EMOTIONALLY SHARING YOURSELF
Being Discerning and Mindful of How Much You're Sharing Self with Others
It's common for people to lack emotional health skills nowadays! You may find that sharing 'authentic feelings' and genuine opinions, ideas and perceptions, causes more conflict, disappointment and disconnection than connection with many, if not most people, including your family, friends and partner.
-
This is ok, only because it has to be ok, because it is the reality of our current culture.
-
Modify your level of sharing and expectations based on your experiences with each person.
-
Emotional boundaries around sharing yourself, provides emotional safety.
-
Enjoy fulfilling friendships and relationships based on how capable each person is of connecting with certain topics and levels of sharing.
EXAMPLE GUIDELINE FOR BOUNDARY SETTING
This is not meant to followed exactly
-
At what level am I choosing to share?
-
What am I expecting from this person?
-
How have they responded in the past?
-
Did they criticize, 'fix' or JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)?
-
Do I tend to feel seen, heard, valued, and respected by this person?
-
Why do I want to share this right now?
-
Is this an ideal time and place?
-
What do I really want or need and am I communicating that clearly?
"There are only two possible intentions in any moment, the Intent to Learn [connect] or the Intent to Defend [disconnect]."
Margaret Paul, PhD
EMOTIONAL AND RELATIONAL BOUNDARIES
We thrive in relationships when we feel cherished and appreciated, have room to express our own needs and wants, and have the support to meet these needs and wants as much as possible. This is possible when we're responsible for owning our own emotions, understanding and communicating our needs, wants and needed limits.
BOUNDARIES INVOLVE RESPONSIBILITY
CLEAR COMMUNICATION PROVIDES THE OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL RESPECTED, VALUED AND CARED FOR (the connection we crave and need as human beings)
-
Others can't make your emotions 'feel better' even if they want to, nor can they read your mind in terms of what they can do to actually help you.
-
Blaming your emotions and unmet needs on others, or on the past, renders you powerless and disconnected from yourself and your genuine wants and needs.
-
If you feel the need to express your emotions at others (although this typically isn't helpful), make sure to communicate your NEWL as well, so you can actually feel better and give others the opportunity to truly respect and/or care for you.
-
Trying to argue about, change, "fix" or control others' emotional experience (beliefs and opinions) leads to emotional enmeshment, arguments, defensiveness, disrespect and disconnection (learn more about the Communication and Drama Triangle).
"If you want a better relationship, you'll need to give up making a project out of changing the relationship or partner and instead make a project out of expressing your own wants and needs."
Jenny Brown, PhD
8 REASONS WE NEED BOUNDARIES
1 SENSE OF SELF
Boundaries differentiate you from others and draw a 'line in the sand.' Without boundaries our 'Sense of Self' gets lost and enmeshed in the needs, expectations and approval of others.
2 SAFETY
Prioritizing yourself by asserting boundaries ensures you're keeping yourself safe and cared for. This is your #1 JOB!
3 SELF-CARE AND SELF-WORTH
Are you watering others' lawn before your own? Without boundaries you risk: abandoning yourself while over-giving, people-pleasing or taking over-responsibility for others; losing your self-worth.
4 SELF DISCIPLINE AND SELF COMPASSION
Studies prove Internal Boundaries (self-discipline with self-compassion) result in the highest rates of goal-attainment and self-esteem. Internal Boundaries involve setting healthy limits on your consumption and behaviors with self-compassion (not self-berating nor over-indulgence).
5 TRUST, RESPECT AND SAFETY
Without boundaries, we might not feel respected or safe – not just physically safe, but emotionally safe. We may react to these feelings with Flight/Fight/Freeze/Fawn reactions. Poor boundaries, poor connection, poor relationships.
6 PREVENT RESENTMENT
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. Without realizing and communicating boundaries (especially expectations), we end up being a prisoner to resentment cycles.
7 SEEN, HEARD AND VALUED (CONNECTION)
Our boundaries need gates that open. Vulnerability, sharing yourself, your needs and wants with trusted others is important, as they have good things to offer us including connection NEEDS, like feeling seen, heard and valued by those most important to us.
8 CLARITY AND RESPONSIBILITY
Clear boundaries prevent blurred lines, confusion, and distrust. We can't expect others to read our minds. It is our responsibility to (1) know what we want and need in relationships and (2) communicate these needs and wants effectively. In relationships with family, friends and with our partner, The Five Love Languages offer good examples of our wants and needs in terms of feeling seen, heard, valued and loved: What are The 5 Love Languages?
"Beginning to build boundaries doesn't mean you call your boss or a controlling parent and start demanding limits. Start with a therapist or support group - or a trusted friend who will honor your boundaries and love you for it."
Henry Cloud, PhD
8 SIGNS YOU ARE ALIGNING WITH YOUR BOUNDARIES
1 FEELING AND AWARENESS
-
It starts with awareness. Having a list of your own values, needs, wants and limits is a good place to start.
-
Boundaries are also changing in each moment, so work on checking in with yourself in terms of your present moment needs, wants and limits.
-
Awareness of your own needs, wants and priorities is essential. Do I need a hug right now? Do I need 'me time' right now? Do I need to prioritize work this week to catch up?
2 ANGER AND RESENTMENT
-
You're feeling anger and resentment during the most subtle boundary violations.
-
This is a good sign! Anger is our inner alarm that alerts of an unmet need or a violation of our values, boundaries or safety.
-
You may even feel mad at yourself for violating your own boundaries.
-
This doesn't mean you react to anger or berate yourself! It simply means you're tuned into your inner alarm instead of denying or suppressing it.
-
You're self-connecting and aware of your boundaries. Good job.
3 EMBRACING GUILT AND SHAME
-
It's possible, guilt and shame used to drive your life and forced yourself into things because of guilt's tug.
-
You may have been stuck in the Dreaded Drama Triangle, taking over-responsibility for others, feeling exhausted and resentful.
-
Now you identify guilt and understand it is trying to keep you 'nice,' in fear of disappointing others. But you'll no longer passively comply.
-
You'll learn how to embrace guilt and calm it, without letting it make boundary-less decisions for you.
4 SMALL NO'S AND FREEING YES'S
-
Which is self-loving? (1) You're unsure so you said yes or (2) You're unsure, so you said no.
-
With healthy boundaries, you'll be able to choose option (2). It'll feel honest, rather than feeling like an obligation out of compliance.
-
It is likely your guilt and concern over disappointing someone, used to drive you into saying yes, even when you're unsure.
-
You're no longer a victim to your own people-pleasing.
5 RECALLING AND FREEING THE PAST
-
You're recalling and healing from regrets and experiences when you lacked boundaries. The times you over-gave, over-shared, or the times you wished you said 'No.'
-
Perhaps you haven't been as authentic as you've wanted with trustworthy loved-ones in your life - which has left you feeling unloved for many years.
-
You're learning how to clearly ask for help from those deemed trustworthy and helpful.
-
Learn more about processing and freeing Backdraft Emotions.
6 TREASURING YOUR TREASURES
-
You're cherishing and taking 100% responsibility for your time, emotions, values, desires, interests, dreams, and authenticity (your treasured genuine aspects of yourself)... and sharing them only with those deemed trustworthy and caring.
-
You get to decide what you share and with whom, based on how they have treated you and responded to you in the past.
7 PRACTICING BIG LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES
-
This involves facing larger fears and building boundaries in the most difficult areas of your life.
-
Who is the foremost person in your life with whom it's difficult to set limits? Your boss? A parent? A spouse?
-
Work on limiting your time, authentic feelings, opinions and other aspects of yourself with those who are not capable of valuing you or lack the emotional maturity to do so.
-
See Communication Skills to learn more. Remember, no one can read your mind.
8 RESPECTING OTHERS' BOUNDARIES
-
Respecting boundaries allows for trust and love.
-
Some of the most loving people I know have unfortunately and painfully sabotaged relationships due to their inability to respect boundaries (because they simply didn't have boundary awareness and skills), by disrespecting boundaries with controlling behaviors, over-texting, over-analyzing, nagging, arguing, or needing constant reassurance.
-
These behaviors can stem from anxious/insecure attachment, and fears of abandonment or betrayal. With boundaries skills however you learn to allow for space.
"Anger is a message from your body. When you listen to your body's message and understand it in a healthy way, you're more likely to feel safe and heard."
Jonice Webb, PhD
BOUNDARIES WORKBOOKS
"Individuals set boundaries to feel safe, respected and heard."
Pamela Cummings
PSYCHOEDUCATION HOME PAGE
