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BALANCED BOUNDARIES SKILLS

Physical boundaries are clear: fences, yards, etc. Non-physical boundaries are not as clear, yet imperative for a healthy relationship with yourself and others.

"We can't really love until we have boundaries - otherwise we love out of compliance or guilt. And we can't really be productive at work without boundaries - otherwise we're so busy following others' agendas that we're double-minded and unstable."
Henry Cloud, PhD

BOUNDARIES ARE ESSENTIAL 

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Image by Hannah Busing

8 REASONS WE NEED BOUNDARIES

1 SENSE OF SELF AND SELF-WORTH

Boundaries differentiate you from others and draw a 'line in the sand.' Without boundaries (knowing our own needs, wants, likes, desires, values, limits and mindful sharing of self) our 'Sense of Self' gets lost and enmeshed in the needs, expectations and approval of others.

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2 SAFETY AND SELF-CARE

Are you watering others' lawn before your own? Without boundaries you risk: abandoning yourself while over-giving, people-pleasing or taking over-responsibility for others; and thus, watering down your own self-care. Prioritizing yourself by being aware of and realizing boundaries ensures you're keeping yourself safe and cared for. Safety for yourself is your #1 JOB! 

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3 PREVENT RESENTMENT AND BURNOUT

Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. Without knowing our genuine needs, wants and expectations, and communicating them clearly with 'I statements' we end up being a prisoner to resentment cycles, people-pleasing and burnout. Examples of clear 'I statements' are: "I need arugula lettuce, not romaine please." or "I need to be on time to the airport so we need to leave at noon."

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4 SEEN, HEARD AND VALUED (CONNECTION)

Our boundaries need gates that open. We feel more valued and loved with those we can be vulnerable with (loved-ones and friends capable of appreciating, being curious, and connecting with us at more authentic levels), by sharing deeper aspects of ourselves, such as our silliness, authenticity, imperfections, random thoughts, dreams, and more. These feelings of being valued more authentically, by at least one person in our lives, is essential to produce oxytocin and serotonin levels that allow us to feel good instead of anxious, abandoned and/or depressed.​​​

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5 PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL HEALTH

Conscious boundaries provide protection. Who, where and how we share ourselves, physically, emotionally and personally impacts are actual safety and feelings of self-worth and self-trust. When we feel safe, we experience a calm nervous system, increased oxytocin, serotonin and other 'feel good' neurochemicals, increased immune function, and a decrease in stress chemicals associated with chronic stress conditions and diseases.

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6 SECURE RELATIONSHIPS

Clear boundaries prevent blurred lines and confusion. Without boundaries, we lack trust and safety – not just physical safety, but emotional safety. We may react to these feelings with Flight/Fight/Freeze/Fawn reactions. Poor boundaries, poor connection, poor relationships. 

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7 SELF DISCIPLINE AND GOAL ATTAINMENT

Studies prove Internal Boundaries (self-discipline with self-compassion) result in the highest rates of goal-attainment and self-esteem. Internal Boundaries involve setting healthy limits on your consumption and behaviors with self-compassion (not self-berating nor over-indulgence).

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8 RESPECT AND SELF-RESPECT

Communicating assertively with Unarguable Truth statements ('I want / need ____ statements') allow for mutual respect. If I realize I need time away and say "I need 10 minutes to process this" this provides self-respect and opportunities for respect from others.

Image by Sixteen Miles Out

"Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices... boundaries define your soul and they help you to guard it and maintain it."
Henry Cloud, PhD

FOUR PILLARS OF BOUNDARIES

Boundaries are NOT DEMANDS. In fact, they are rarely something we say with words. Boundaries are also aspects that are 100% within our own power... something we do or don't do. Not something we tell or demand someone else to do.

 

For example, if I feel I don't want to be yelled at in the moment, I have 100% power to simply walk away. Removing myself physically, choosing to no longer share my space and time with that person, is the boundary.

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Boundaries Are Something We Feel as Our Nervous System and Emotions Tell Us Our Boundaries Needs

Boundary needs are something we feel in each moment as our nervous system and emotions tell us our boundary needs. Boundaries are complex and multi-dimensional. Boundaries can change in each moment depending on how and what we're feeling, our needs and wants, where and who we are with. Boundaries involve the Person, Place, Content and Timing.

​1  MY NEEDS

  • Essentials, expectations, safety needs and non-negotiables

  • Includes what you need from yourself and others, both long-term and in each moment

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2  MY WANTS AND DESIRES

  • What do you want in your career, friendships, relationship, etc.?

  • It's your job to know what you want so you can make it happen and/or communicate what you want clearly with "I want ____."

  • Stating your wants and desires gives others the opportunity to give to you, respect you and care for you.​

​3  MY LIMITS AND CONSEQUENCES

  • Knowing your limits and consequences (if limits are violated) keeps you safe

  • The clearer the better

  • For example, "Since you are yelling at me, I am leaving the room and will be back in an hour."

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4  SHARING MYSELF AND COMMUNICATION

  • How you choose to share your... (includes The 5 Love Languages)

    • Touch (from handshakes, hugs, to intimacy)

    • Time

    • Gifts and finances

    • Acts of service and help

    • Words (opinions, beliefs, feelings, interests, experiences, values, etc.)

  • How much you share depends on person, time and place

  • For example, we wouldn't share our spiritual beliefs with a friend who has continued to be defensive or critical towards our sharing of beliefs in the past

  • When you take the time to truly understand your own needs, wants and limits you can communicate clearly and work with others to establish clear expectations and agreements.

  • Clear communication, "I want/need/expect/like ______" or "I agree to _____"

    • IMPORTANT NOTE: Complaining, shaming, blaming or communicating what you don't like is NOT clear nor very helpful when it comes to boundary needs. For example, if I say "I don't want a banana," that does not help me get what I truly do want. If I say "I want an apple." I have clearly communicated my boundary, and my opportunity to get what I want in life just increased significantly from impossible to possible!​

  • Unarguable Truth is a good communication tool for this (essentially I want, I need, I like, etc.)

Boundaries are NOT...

  • Demands or complaints

  • "You ____" statements

  • Communicating what you don't want

  • Confusing

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Boundaries are NOT...

  • Demands or complaints

  • "You ____" statements

  • Communicating what you don't want

  • Sharing feelings

  • Confusing

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Boundaries are...

  • Aligned with your genuine values, wants and needs, etc.

  • "I ____" statements

  • Communicating what you want, need, etc.

  • Clear

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Boundaries are...

  • Aligned with your genuine values, wants and needs, etc.

  • "I ____" statements

  • Communicating what you want, need, etc.

  • Sharing your intention (that's 100% in your control)

  • Clear

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​"Boundaries work both ways: they create healthy relationships and are created by healthy relationships."
Mark Manson

BALANCED BOUNDARIES

Maintaining balanced boundaries requires self-awareness and emotional health skills to ensure we are not falling towards avoidant or complaint boundaries. Without conscious boundaries, we inevitably experience anxiety, relationship distress, insecurities, resentment, selflessness or selfishness, lack of purpose, people-pleasing, emptiness, low confidence, enmeshment and more.

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"Many people do not take ownership for how they resist LOVE. They have a lot of love around them but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness."
Henry Cloud, PhD

4 MAIN BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

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  • Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs inflow and outflow.

  • If we have boundary problems we are left feeling unloved and resentful. We won't feel the joy of caring or feeling cared for, robbing us from genuine connection (feeling valued and cared for).

  • Complex boundary problems and codependency can occur with different types, for example a Compliant with a Controller type.

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>> See Worksheet to Learn More

"Boundaries are invisible lines around ourselves that define what we are comfortable sharing and what we wish to keep private... a protective shield allowing us to maintain our sense of self amidst the myriad of influences of the outside world. Just as a well-tended garden flourishes when it is enclosed and protected so too do our emotional and personal landscapes thrive with conscious boundaries."
Brene Brown, PhD

SHARING YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY AND PERSONALLY
Being Discerning and Mindful of How Much You're Sharing Self with Others

Since it is common nowadays for people, including our loved-ones, to lack secure relating abilities and emotional health skills, we need to be even more mindful and careful (full of care) with sharing aspects of ourselves with words.

  • Instead of mindlessly exposing and subjecting ourselves to others' limited capacity to value and connect with us.

  • Choose our level of sharing in each moment, based on our past and present experiences with each person and their capacity to connect (rather than criticize and argue) with certain topics and levels of sharing (vulnerability).

 

Boundaries around sharing yourself, is not just about relationships and connection (feeling seen, heard, and valued), it is also how we connect with ourselves, which directly correlates with:

  • Self-trust, self-worth, self-respect, confidence and a sense of safety that allows for a calm nervous system, thereby allowing for a psychological state of well-being

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EXAMPLE GUIDELINE FOR BOUNDARY SETTING
This is not meant to followed exactly

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  • At what level am I choosing to share?

  • What am I expecting from this person?

  • How have they responded in the past?

  • Did they criticize, 'fix' or JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)?

  • Do I tend to feel seen, heard, valued, and respected by this person?

  • Why do I want to share this right now?

  • Is this an ideal time and place?

  • What do I really want or need and am I communicating that clearly?

 

>> See Worksheet to Learn More

VIDEOS ON SHARING YOURSELF AND BOUNDARIES

​"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously."
Prentis Hemphill

IMPACT ON OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM AND HEALTH

When we are conscious of our genuine needs and limits (boundaries) and making action-oriented choices aligned with them, we are able to provide ourselves with genuine safety and healthy connection (that we can truly feel). When this occurs, our nervous system CALMS, providing emotional, relational, neurochemical and physical health benefits.

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CONSCIOUS, BALANCED BOUNDARIES ALLOW FOR

  • Real self-protection and safety

  • Calm nervous system

  • Increased oxytocin, serotonin and other 'feel good' neurochemicals

  • Decreased stress chemicals and anxiety

  • Decreased risk of chronic stress conditions and disease

  • Ability to feel joy, happiness, gratitude, compassion, self-compassion, curiosity and more

  • Capacity to relax, feel good, recuperate, rest, heal; improved immunity and digestion

​"Individuals set boundaries to feel safe, respected and heard."
Pamela Cummings

BOUNDARIES AND CONNECTION

We thrive in relationships when we feel valued and appreciated, have room to express our own needs and wants, and have the support to meet these needs and wants as much as possible. This is possible when we take 100% personal responsibility our own emotions and communicating our needs, expectations, wants and limits.

BOUNDARIES INVOLVE 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

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​"If you want a better relationship, you'll need to give up making a project out of changing the relationship or partner and instead make a project out of expressing your own wants and needs."
Jenny Brown, PhD

BALANCED BOUNDARIES WITH COMMUNICATION

UNARGUABLE TRUTH STATEMENTS​

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Taking 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY (power) to own and process your emotions, and communicate your needs, expectations, wants and limits, allows you to communicate your Unarguable Truth clear. This allows others to truly give and receive, which is what provides feelings of connection (feeling seen, heard, valued, respected and loved).

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​Others can't make your emotions 'feel better' even if they want to, nor can they read your mind in terms of what they can do to actually help you.​ Rather than blaming, attacking or complaining about what you are not liking or not getting, communicate your wants and needs with "I" statements. Learn more about Connecting Communication.

DISCONNECTING VS CONNECTING

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Couple Talking to Each Other

​"A painful false belief that wrecks havoc on our core sense of worthiness - is the idea that we can somehow control how others view us. In truth, no matter how helpful, smart, nice, empathetic or good-looking we are, how others view us is 100% in their realm of perception and control... and this truth allows us to reclaim our power (our responsibility) for our own sense of worthiness and self-love."

8 SIGNS YOU ARE ALIGNING WITH YOUR BOUNDARIES

1 FEELING AND AWARENESS

  • It starts with awareness. Having a list of your own values, needs, wants and limits is a good place to start.

  • Boundaries are also changing in each moment, so work on checking in with yourself in terms of your present moment needs, wants and limits.

  • Awareness of your own needs, wants and priorities is essential. Do I need a hug right now? Do I need 'me time' right now? Do I need to prioritize work this week to catch up?​

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2 ANGER AND RESENTMENT

  • You're feeling anger and resentment during the most subtle boundary violations.

  • This is a good sign! Anger is our inner alarm that alerts of an unmet need or a violation of our values, boundaries or safety.

  • You may even feel mad at yourself for violating your own boundaries.

  • This doesn't mean you react to anger or berate yourself! It simply means you're tuned into your inner alarm instead of denying or suppressing it.

  • You're self-connecting and aware of your boundaries. Good job.

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3 EMBRACING GUILT AND SHAME

  • It's possible, guilt and shame used to drive your life and forced yourself into things because of guilt's tug.

  • You may have been stuck in the Dreaded Drama Triangle, taking over-responsibility for others, feeling exhausted and resentful.  

  • Now you identify guilt and understand it is trying to keep you 'nice,' in fear of disappointing others. But you'll no longer passively comply.

  • You'll learn how to embrace guilt and calm it, without letting it make boundary-less decisions for you.

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4 SMALL NO'S AND FREEING YES'S

  • Which is self-loving? (1) You're unsure so you said yes or (2) You're unsure, so you said no.

  • With healthy boundaries, you'll be able to choose option (2). It'll feel honest, rather than feeling like an obligation out of compliance. 

  • It is likely your guilt and concern over disappointing someone, used to drive you into saying yes, even when you're unsure.

  • You're no longer a victim to your own people-pleasing.

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5 RECALLING AND FREEING THE PAST

  • You're recalling and healing from regrets and experiences when you lacked boundaries. The times you over-gave, over-shared, or the times you wished you said 'No.'

  • Perhaps you haven't been as authentic as you've wanted with trustworthy loved-ones in your life - which has left you feeling unloved for many years. 

  • You're learning how to clearly ask for help from those deemed trustworthy and helpful. 

  • Learn more about processing and freeing Backdraft Emotions.

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6 TREASURING YOUR TREASURES

  • You're cherishing and taking 100% responsibility for your time, emotions, values, desires, interests, dreams, and authenticity (your treasured genuine aspects of yourself)... and sharing them only with those deemed trustworthy and caring. 

  • You get to decide what you share and with whom, based on how they have treated you and responded to you in the past.

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7 PRACTICING BIG LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES

  • This involves facing larger fears and building boundaries in the most difficult areas of your life.

  • Who is the foremost person in your life with whom it's difficult to set limits? Your boss? A parent? A spouse?

  • Work on limiting your time, authentic feelings, opinions and other aspects of yourself with those who are not capable of valuing you or lack the emotional maturity to do so.

  • See Communication Skills to learn more. Remember, no one can read your mind. 

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8 RESPECTING OTHERS' BOUNDARIES

  • Respecting boundaries allows for trust and love.

  • Some of the most loving people I know have unfortunately and painfully sabotaged relationships due to their inability to respect boundaries (because they simply didn't have boundary awareness and skills), by disrespecting boundaries with controlling behaviors, over-texting, over-analyzing, nagging, arguing, or needing constant reassurance.

  • These behaviors can stem from anxious/insecure attachment, and fears of abandonment or betrayal. With boundaries skills however you learn to allow for space.

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"Anger is a message from your body. When you listen to your body's message and understand it in a healthy way, you're more likely to feel safe and heard."
Jonice Webb, PhD

BOUNDARIES WORKBOOKS

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​​"There are only two possible intentions in any moment, the Intent to Learn [connect] or the Intent to Defend [disconnect]."
Margaret Paul, PhD

PSYCHOEDUCATION HOME PAGE

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© 2024 by Creating Your Balance

Athena Vahn Counseling

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