HEALTH AND CONNECTION WITH COMMUNICATION

Learn communication skills that bring you out of conflict, power-struggles, codependency, resentment, insecurities, depression, disconnection and confusion, and into more confidence, clarity and connection.

"At the root of every conflict and power struggle are unmet needs."
Marshall Rosenberg

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Responsibility and Empowerment

Words are powerful. Words have the power to connect or divide us, cause confusion or clarity, start wars or end them.

Words have the power to, in one moment, cause hurt and pain that will never be forgotten.
On the other hand, words can create respect, appreciation, purpose, inspiration, love, safety and belonging... feelings of connection that us humans need... needs even money cannot buy.

Much like our need for food, feelings of connection are survival needs. Our emotional nervous system constantly detects and assesses for how well these connection needs are being met.

When connection needs are being met our systems produce more oxytocin, serotonin and other 'feel good' neurochemicals and hormones.
Lack of connection results in painful emotions, more cortisol and other survival stress neurochemicals.

With communication skills, you become more empowered to get more of what you want in life, including more respect, affection, support, opportunity, connection, worthiness (self-worth), feelings of emotional and mental well-being due to the neurochemicals and hormones involved, and more fulfillment in life overall.

"At the root of every conflict and power struggle are unmet needs.
Marshall Rosenberg

"If you are in conflict or relational distress you are in the Dreaded Drama Triangle."
Julia Colwell, PhD

CODEPENDENCY / DDT TRIANGLE

In order to understand communication, it is important to understand dysfunctional communication, its causes and effects.

DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATING VISUAL

Derived by Dr. Karpman, the Codependency Triangle or Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) provides an illustration of maladaptive ways of relating along with maladaptive 'getting' and 'protecting' behaviors.

Rather than just 'drama' it can result in severe distress and relational trauma with our loved-ones and friendships as it makes feelings of genuine connection and respect impossible. The DDT is the cause and effect of unhealthy relational dynamics such as codependency, conflict, controlling behaviors, people-pleasing, angry outbursts, resentment, etc.

Due to the disconnect it creates long-term (rather than creating the connection us humans need) it can eventually result in low self-worth, loneliness and diagnosable conditions such as depression and anxiety disorders.

The DDT has three roles:

Hero (needs to feel 'good' and helpful)
Villain (needs to feel 'right' and powerful)
Victim (truly hurting but we get stuck in the DDT trying to explain how harmless / blameless / helpless we are... which tends to work well in childhood but not in adulthood)

SHORT TERM ARGUMENTS

Conflict starts with one person playing out one of the roles (for example, Hero giving unsolicited advice, Critic giving unsolicited criticism, or Victim complaining or blaming instead of communicating wants and needs).
Without awareness, the other person jumps into a role and conflict begins.
Only one person can occupy a role at a time.
We swap roles, looping into conflict trying to 'win our case' defending or explaining how hurt or harmless (Victim), good or helpful (Hero), or right (Critic) we are.
Everyone inevitably ends up in the Hurt/Victim role.

LONG TERM PATTERNS

Without awareness, we get stuck in the Triangle for years, repeating, only to feel unloved, resentful, unappreciated and hurt instead of feeling seen, heard and valued for who we are
Results in work, family and relationship dysfunction, resentment, codependency and addiction patterns
We tend to have a 'default role' that stems from childhood Core Roles (see worksheet below) and ways we were taught to 'get' love and feelings of worthiness or 'protect' ourselves from punishment or feelings of rejection

STUCK IN THE DDT: IMPORTANT NOTE FOR LONG-TERM VICTIM/HURT

Once in the DDT, everyone inevitably ends up in the Hurt/Victim role due to not getting genuine connection needs and wants met (including not feeling valued or appreciated)
Stems from REAL HURT that you are currently experiencing or reexperiencing due to a trigger that is bringing up unresolved hurt from your past (complex-PTSD).
Codependency tends to stay stuck in Rescuer (caring parental type role) and Villian (critical/controlling parental type role) only to feel Hurt / Victimized by being over-responsible)
Narcissistic type tendencies stay stuck in Villain and Victim roles, splitting back and forth

LIKE ANY 'POWER-UNDER POSITION' WE DIDN'T CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE AND WITHOUT HAVING THE SKILLS TO STAY OUT OF THE DDT, WE HUMANS ARE BOUND TO RETALIATE TO FEELING POWERLESS AND HELPLESS WITH...

Passive-aggressive or distancing behaviors
Child-like compliance or people-pleasing
Teenager-like rebellion and 'acting-out' behaviors in attempt to not feel trapped or powerless
Angry blaming, scapegoating and resenting (grappling to 'power-up' but perpetuating the "power-under" position even more)
Perpetual defending, explaining, deflecting and complaining
Subtle or blatant lying, smoke-n-mirrors, unclear expectations
Blaming our choices and ways of interacting on disorders such as depression, ADHD, or substance use disorders
Self-sabotaging due to Learned Helplessness

Have compassion for yourself as you learn to stay out of the 'hurt' 'critic' or 'rescuer' roles, while learning boundaries skills and communication tools to help ensure you are able to get your connection needs met so you no longer feel powerless, hurt or disrespected or feel stuck in Learned Helplessness.

"Anytime we take less than 100% personal responsibility for our own emotions, beliefs, assumptions, words and behaviors, we are in the hurt position."
Julia Colwell, PhD

LEARN ABOUT EACH ROLE

"You don't have to be in conflict to be in the Triangle. A lot of us live in the Triangle subconsciously. This isn't because we like to be victims, rescuers or critics. It's the way we learned to stay in contact with others. If you didn't learn secure relating skills, you might think the only way to keep people close is to use [maladaptive] ways of trying to get your needs met without telling the truth about your needs and wants."
Heidi Priebe

TRIANGLE VIDEOS

"Rescuing [classic codependent] is an addiction that comes from an unconscious need to feel valued. After all, society always celebrates the Savior!"
Merja Sumiloff

MALADAPTIVE WAYS OF 'GETTING' AND 'PROTECTING'

Why do we get into the Triangle if we inevitably get hurt, angry or in conflict? Simply put, to 'GET' a quick boost of connection or 'PROTECT' from feeling the painful emotions/stress chemicals associated with the perceived threat of disconnection or lack of control.

MALADAPTIVE 'PROTECTING' STRATEGIES

Connection is a need. If our mind detects disconnection, rejection, betrayal or if we feel like we are not seen, heard, valued or respected - our nervous system fires off survival stress-chemicals and emotions...

Loneliness, worthlessness, shame, anxiety, inner criticism, rejection, heartbreak, oppression, or feeling like the 'bad guy.'
To avoid this, our unconscious mind believes, "I will have 'control' and won't feel alone or abandoned in the Triangle trying to be Right, Helpful, Harmless or Helpless!"

MALADAPTIVE 'GETTING' STRATEGIES

In childhood we 'get' praise, reward, connection and attention (and avoid punishment) by playing out one of the three main roles:

Villain/Critic: Being right with correct answers and good grades
Hero/Rescuer: Being helpful, quiet, servient, and having few wants
Hurt/Harmless: Explaining how hurt and harmless we are can get us sympathy or prevent punishment
Hurt/Helpless: Being hurt or helpless can get us immediate connection in the form of caretaking or rescuing even from the most neglectful parents and can create a 'smoke and mirrors' affect to delay getting in trouble. [In adulthood this can show up, in severe cases, as being 'powerless' over an addiction, self-sabotaging, learned helplessness or certain disorders such as depression if subconsciously being Hurt/Helpless is the only way we know how to 'get' connection and care from others, and 'protect' from the excruciating emotional pain of unmet connection needs.]

MALADAPTIVE STRATEGIES IN ADULTHOOD

Although playing out the three roles may have worked in childhood, they will not serve you well in adulthood.

In adulthood, you can follow all the rules, be helpful (Hero), have the right answers (Critic), and explain how harmless or hurt (Victim) you are, but these roles likely won't get you the love, respect, value, sense of purpose and belonging, and appreciation you crave and intrinsically need as an adult human being.

Without awareness, our subconscious thinks...

"I'm doing all the things... I'm being 'good,' taking all the blame, being helpful, wantless, low maintenance (Hero)... or I'm 'right' and in control (Critic)... or I'm blameless by defending myself, complaining or saying how 'hurt' I am (Victim)... but I am still feeling worthless, alone, disrespected, confused, anxious, angry, etc." Eventually we feel powerless, depressed and even 'broken' resulting in diagnosable symptoms and disorders, insecurities and low self-worth.

When this keeps happening, we continue to feel worse, anxious, alone, disrespected, unloved and even stuck in the depression of powerlessness.

We can end up railing against ourselves with Inner Criticism, blaming ourselves, without knowing how to simply communicate what we want and need to 'get' genuine connection.
We may rail against others with Outer Criticism, resentment and outbursts... jumping into and falling into the Triangle over and over.

IMPORTANT: STUCK IN LEARNED HELPLESSNESS OR VICTIM MENTALITY AS A MALADAPTIVE PROTECTIVE STRATEGY (PART)

Learned Helplessness (also known as victim mentality) is an acquired personality trait that MANY of us have nowadays and can be traced back to our childhood as a survival mechanism to get connection and attention. This is not our fault. This is a learned behavior. It can serve us well in childhood to avoid feeling painful shame/self-blame (responsibility).

In adulthood, however this turns into a maladaptive protective mechanism that renders us powerless and 'helpless' over our own emotional processing, behaviors and actions (including addictions and feeling powerless over behaviors and resolving depression and other mood disorders).

Stuck in Learned Helplessness also renders us powerless over our ability to communicate effectively to ensure we get our personal connection needs met (including feeling valued, respected and 'worthy') and form healthy, fulfilling relationships with family, friends, coworkers and our partner.

Therapy can help us learn to take full empowering responsibility to feel our emotions, including feelings of shame, blame and depression (feeling powerless/helpless) so we may process through our "Inner Hurt" and shame by understanding what we are truly needing and wanting in each moment and in life overall, from our Self, and what we want from others in terms of support, loving action, help, and more.

"If you play any of the Drama Triangle roles you will end up feeling hopeless and helpless."
Tyler Rich LMFT

POWER-UNDER / LEARNED HELPLESSNESS VIDEOS

"Moving out of blame-or-explain and into responsibility is a monumental shift out of struggle and into possibility. A powerful antidote to the depression and bitterness that result from feeling powerless, a victim of circumstances."
Julia Colwell, PhD

ADAPTIVE WAYS OF 'GETTING' CONNECTION, CARE AND RESPECT

STAYING OUT OF THE TRIANGLE

Clear, confident and connecting communication

INVOLVES 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
Not Over 100% (Hero or Villain) or Under 100% (Victim)

ENSURE YOU TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY (POWER)

To feel, process and understand your own emotions
To know your own needs, wants and needed limits (boundaries)
To communicate your own needs, wants and needed limits (boundaries)
To ASK others what they want or need, instead of making assumptions or excuses for them, giving them unsolicited criticism or advice or telling them what they should do. Ask by saying things like, "Would you like my advice?" or "How can I help?"

ALLOW OTHER ADULTS TO TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY (POWER)

To feel, process and understand their own emotions (stances, opinions, perceptions and beliefs)
To know their own needs, wants and needed limits (boundaries)
To communicate their own needs and wants, without you making assumptions, mind-reading, 'fixing' or criticizing them (respect their words at face value, even if you think their words are misguided or disordered)
To feel, process and understand their own emotions (stances, opinions, perceptions and beliefs)

REMEMBER UNSOLICITED ADVICE, HELP, CRITICISM OR SHARING HOW HURT OR HARMLESS YOU ARE, ARE NOT LOVE LANGUAGES! INSTEAD, COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU NEED TO FEEL SEEN, HEARD, VALUED AND RESPECTED AS THIS PROVIDES THE HIGHEST CHANCE OF FEELING SEEN, HEARD, VALUED AND RESPECTED.

This sounds simple, right? As simple as it is, it requires a complex set of social-emotional and communication skills (see Communication Tools below) that most of us don't have. In fact, we tend to have maladaptive ways of thinking, feeling and communicating that cause more disconnection, resentment, insecurities, shame and anxiety, than trust and connection.

"Anger is a signal that we are getting what we don't want or not getting what we do want. It is our personal responsibility to know this and take time to understand what we want."
Julia Colwell, PhD

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE

Shift Your Role from Drama to Empowerment

UNSOLICITED vs SOLICITED

If you are giving unsolicited advice or criticism, you are in the DDT.
Although a fine line, asking if your opinions, advice, complaints and criticism are wanted before giving them makes all the difference!

COMMUNICATING WHAT YOU WANT vs WHAT YOU DON'T WANT

"I'd like __" or "I want __" instead of complaining about what you don't want.
This communication shifts you into living an empowered life and opens up opportunities for others to truly know you, value you, give to you and support you.

APOLOGIZE FOR THINGS THAT ARE DIRECTLY YOUR FAULT

If you made a mistake, own it, clearly state what you are sorry for and, if needed, ask if there is anything you can do to repair trust or damage.

The illusion that everything will just turn out magically without having to communicate wants and needs in a relationship is an immaturity that will make true connection impossible.
Robert Lucas

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE
R. A. I. N. METHOD

RECOGNIZE YOU'RE IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

Your words feel or sound defensive, triggered, anxious, angry, reactive
Your words feel or sound like unsolicited advice or criticism
Your words start with "You should/always/never... "
Your words feel or sound like assumptions or placating

ALLOW OTHERS TO BE IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE ALONE

Allow others to spin around the Triangle alone, rather than jumping in to give unsolicited advice, criticism, blame, complain, defend or explain

INTENT TO LEARN (CURIOUS)

Curiously listen and ask questions with the Intent to Learn, instead of the Intent to Protect/Defend
Automatically removes you from the Drama Triangle

NEEDS AND WANTS

Decide if you have needs or wants
Clearly communicate your wants and needs, as needed, instead of complaining or criticizing about what you don't want
Ask others what they want or need, instead of 'fixing' or 'shoulding'
With big issues or emotions, use Emergency Evacuation Plan first to calm down. Take time to journal, talk with friends, use Emotional Health Skills to decipher your genuine needs, wants and boundaries so you may take corrective action and/or clearly communicate your Unarguable Truth.

In adulthood you can follow all the rules, be helpful (Hero), have the right answers (Critic) and explain how harmless, helpless or hurt (Victim) you are, but these roles won't get you the connection, love, respect, sense of belonging and appreciation you crave and need.

STAYING OUT OF THE TRIANGLE

Involves Balanced Boundaries

Boundaries are complex and multi-dimensional. Learn more on the Balanced Boundaries page.

"Deciding you want responsibility for your feelings is one of the biggest changes you can make in your life. It means letting go of the fantasy that someone will do it for us."
Margaret Paul, PhD

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE
Communication Power Tools

Drama Triangle with Communication Tools_

DEFENDING AND BEING RIGHT VS LISTENING AND RESPECTING

We are raised to think critically, to defend and articulate concepts and have the 'right' answer or 'advice'! This works at school, work and many areas of life, but it does not create 'connection' so it does not work well in relationships with family, friends and loved ones, as it leads to 'disconnection' arguments and power-struggles by pulling you into the Drama Triangle and defensiveness.

"As a child you had messages from family and school to keep your mouth shut and remain invisible. You no longer need to be invisible. If people don't notice you, they can't shame or criticize you, but they also can't love you or attend to your needs. Make yourself and your needs known."
Beverly Engle PhD"

COMMUNICATION POWER TOOLS
Communication for Healthy Connection and Confidence

These empowering skills provide ways to stay out of the Triangle, while providing opportunities for others to join you outside of the Codependency / Drama Triangle, in fulfilling connection, and communicate in a balanced, assertive, respectful, respectable, forthright manner.

Curious Listening
Unarguable Truth / Boundary Statements
Understand How, Not Why
Respect at Face Value / Don't Take the Bait
Repair with Apology Languages
Emergency Evacuation Plan for Triggers

"If you want a better relationship, you will need to give up making a project out of changing the relationship or your partner and instead make a project out of expressing your own wants and needs."
Jenny Brown, PhD

CONNECTING COMMUNICATION
TAKING 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY (POWER) NOT OVER OR UNDER

BENEFITS OF STAYING OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

Feel the self-connection and self-trust that comes with understanding and processing your own emotions, including anger, instead of blaming them on others (which renders you powerless and potentially stuck in victim consciousness and depression)
Connect with your genuine likes, dislikes, needs, wants, and needed limits (boundaries) in each moment
Understand how to communicate your needs, wants and limits
Ability to listen without doing anything to change, criticize or control others' experience
Provide others with the time and space to process emotions and allow them empowering responsibility for themselves (which is respectful)
Provide yourself with the time and space to process emotions and experience empowering responsibility for yourself (self-respect)
Gain empowerment over your connection needs rather than feeling stuck in disempowerment and pathological depression
Feel present, empowered, self-aware and self-connected
Feel a sense of openness and vulnerability with those that are trustworthy
Feel confident, lovable, and clearly aligned with your values
Enjoy a sense of ease, trust, love and respect with yourself
Enjoy a sense of ease, trust, love, respect, and playfulness within relationship

IMPORTANT: If you are a victim of trauma, betrayal or heartbreak, part of your healing work is awareness and to validate and 'sit with' your hurt with Self-Compassion and healing. This allows you to gently guide yourself through hurt and out of the 'hurt' 'critic' or 'rescuer' role to remain out of the Triangle as best you can. Take full empowering responsibility for healing your "Inner Hurt" by understanding what you're truly needing and wanting in life and what you want from others in terms of support, loving action, help, and more. You may find you need trauma therapy such as EMDR Therapy and Mindful Self-Compassion methods to heal from complex-PTSD and other forms of trauma.

Suddenly the failure of my previous relationship became clear to me. I gave love but resisted receiving it. It was easy to buy gifts, compliment him or give focused attention, but when he gave it to me, I didn’t know how to respond."
Ashal Rose, The Art of Receiving Love

PSYCHOEDUCATION HOME PAGE

My Approach

HEALTH AND CONNECTION WITH COMMUNICATION

"At the root of every conflict and power struggle are unmet needs." Marshall Rosenberg

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

"At the root of every conflict and power struggle are unmet needs. Marshall Rosenberg

"If you are in conflict or relational distress you are in the Dreaded Drama Triangle." Julia Colwell, PhD

CODEPENDENCY / DDT TRIANGLE

"Anytime we take less than 100% personal responsibility for our own emotions, beliefs, assumptions, words and behaviors, we are in the hurt position." Julia Colwell, PhD

LEARN ABOUT EACH ROLE

TRIANGLE VIDEOS

"Rescuing [classic codependent] is an addiction that comes from an unconscious need to feel valued. After all, society always celebrates the Savior!" Merja Sumiloff

MALADAPTIVE WAYS OF 'GETTING' AND 'PROTECTING'

"If you play any of the Drama Triangle roles you will end up feeling hopeless and helpless." Tyler Rich LMFT

POWER-UNDER / LEARNED HELPLESSNESS VIDEOS

"Moving out of blame-or-explain and into responsibility is a monumental shift out of struggle and into possibility. A powerful antidote to the depression and bitterness that result from feeling powerless, a victim of circumstances." Julia Colwell, PhD

ADAPTIVE WAYS OF 'GETTING' CONNECTION, CARE AND RESPECT

STAYING OUT OF THE TRIANGLE

INVOLVES 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY Not Over 100% (Hero or Villain) or Under 100% (Victim)

"Anger is a signal that we are getting what we don't want or not getting what we do want. It is our personal responsibility to know this and take time to understand what we want." Julia Colwell, PhD

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE

The illusion that everything will just turn out magically without having to communicate wants and needs in a relationship is an immaturity that will make true connection impossible. Robert Lucas

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE R. A. I. N. METHOD

In adulthood you can follow all the rules, be helpful (Hero), have the right answers (Critic) and explain how harmless, helpless or hurt (Victim) you are, but these roles won't get you the connection, love, respect, sense of belonging and appreciation you crave and need.

STAYING OUT OF THE TRIANGLE

"Deciding you want responsibility for your feelings is one of the biggest changes you can make in your life. It means letting go of the fantasy that someone will do it for us." Margaret Paul, PhD

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE Communication Power Tools

COMMUNICATION POWER TOOLS Communication for Healthy Connection and Confidence

"​If you want a better relationship, you will need to give up making a project out of changing the relationship or your partner and instead make a project out of expressing your own wants and needs." Jenny Brown, PhD

CONNECTING COMMUNICATION TAKING 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY (POWER) NOT OVER OR UNDER

BENEFITS OF STAYING OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

Suddenly the failure of my previous relationship became clear to me. I gave love but resisted receiving it. It was easy to buy gifts, compliment him or give focused attention, but when he gave it to me, I didn’t know how to respond." Ashal Rose, The Art of Receiving Love

PSYCHOEDUCATION HOME PAGE

"At the root of every conflict and power struggle are unmet needs."
Marshall Rosenberg

"At the root of every conflict and power struggle are unmet needs.
Marshall Rosenberg

"If you are in conflict or relational distress you are in the Dreaded Drama Triangle."
Julia Colwell, PhD

"Anytime we take less than 100% personal responsibility for our own emotions, beliefs, assumptions, words and behaviors, we are in the hurt position."
Julia Colwell, PhD

"Rescuing [classic codependent] is an addiction that comes from an unconscious need to feel valued. After all, society always celebrates the Savior!"
Merja Sumiloff

"If you play any of the Drama Triangle roles you will end up feeling hopeless and helpless."
Tyler Rich LMFT

"Moving out of blame-or-explain and into responsibility is a monumental shift out of struggle and into possibility. A powerful antidote to the depression and bitterness that result from feeling powerless, a victim of circumstances."
Julia Colwell, PhD

INVOLVES 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
Not Over 100% (Hero or Villain) or Under 100% (Victim)

"Anger is a signal that we are getting what we don't want or not getting what we do want. It is our personal responsibility to know this and take time to understand what we want."
Julia Colwell, PhD

The illusion that everything will just turn out magically without having to communicate wants and needs in a relationship is an immaturity that will make true connection impossible.
Robert Lucas

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE
R. A. I. N. METHOD

"Deciding you want responsibility for your feelings is one of the biggest changes you can make in your life. It means letting go of the fantasy that someone will do it for us."
Margaret Paul, PhD

HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE TRIANGLE
Communication Power Tools

COMMUNICATION POWER TOOLS
Communication for Healthy Connection and Confidence

"If you want a better relationship, you will need to give up making a project out of changing the relationship or your partner and instead make a project out of expressing your own wants and needs."
Jenny Brown, PhD

CONNECTING COMMUNICATION
TAKING 100% PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY (POWER) NOT OVER OR UNDER

Suddenly the failure of my previous relationship became clear to me. I gave love but resisted receiving it. It was easy to buy gifts, compliment him or give focused attention, but when he gave it to me, I didn’t know how to respond."
Ashal Rose, The Art of Receiving Love